Lucy’s Ass

Over the weekend, applause roared throughout the Cringe Impyre as Lucy Pyre finally delivered on the long standing request for her to slap her ass on stream. The slap has been described as “impactful”, “meaty”, and “equestrian”. The event has only further tantalized the community’s imagination as to what the ass looks like, and while there is no direct photo evidence, we at the ONN have done our research and are here to provide valuable insight into Lucy’s ass.

A gift from Lucy’s mother, the ass is described as being “slightly above average”. Contrary to Lucy’s southern heritage, the ass is originally from Peru where it was used as a beast of burden. Thick with muscle, its ability to haul wide loads has led some to refer to it as “an ass that’s packing”. Many who have seen Lucy’s ass in person have silently admired its superior build, but none have been brave enough to get any closer than that. And that is for the very simple reason that Lucy’s ass has a very stubborn temperament. Uncompromising to a fault, it has been described as “an ass that won’t quit”. 

Lucy has expressed remorse that no one has been able to even get within petting distance of her ass, and would like this to change at some point. With such lofty aspirations, one can’t help but interpret this weekend’s ass-slap as a cry for help. We at the ONN wish Lucy the best in her journey, but urge her to temper expectations down to just hoping for the simple compliment of “hey, nice ass” to start.